Wednesday, May 9, 2012

I'm not depressed, this just sucks!

So, I think I may have alluded to how unhappy I am right now.  It isn't really about my race times, although those don't help the situation.  I couldn't control the weather in Boston, and the fact that I had unrealistic expectations about the mini were annoying.  I just went through today wanting my old life back!  I mean, don't get me wrong, being in KY has its good points, and there was a lot of crap I dealt with in MI, but right about now, I am having a hard time dealing with it.  I am hesitant to see a therapist about it because really, all they are going to do is just help me cope with it, and I don't want to pay money for that right now and feeling clinically depressed or anxious is just going to make me more depressed and anxious.  Here's the deal.  Ryan works ALL THE TIME.  I hang out with the kids ALL THE TIME.  I miss Ryan. He can't work out like he likes to, I feel guilty that I can do more than he can because I have the free time, however, I also miss my friends in MI that supported me and had loftier goals that I did, so there was always someone doing more than me that I could just tag along with for part way.  I don't have that here.  I have thought of a few ways to get this off my chest, and I think a pros cons list might be the best way.  At least, hopefully I will feel better, and maybe seeing it will help me make some changes that can make things a bit better.

Things I Like About Kentucky                               Things I like About MI

Chick Fil A                                                              Noodles
Graeters                                                                    Pew Wei
                                                                                  Baha Fresh

Huge house with awesome neighbors                      Condo was in close proximity to EVERYTHING
Get better gas mileage on car                                  Did not use much gas at all
Huge Tri club with all sorts of events                     Small tri club where I knew everyone
Lots of socials                                                         Lots of kid friendly events
Really close to church                                             Timing of church activties worked better
Hilly terrain                                                             Kensington/Island Lake w/ miles of SAFE path

It's been a year since the back and forth started.  I have not had a good race since we closed on this house.  In fact, the day we got the keys, I raced and had almost a personal worst and nearly DNS and a pukie.  I am just tired and worn out from tending the kids all day without Ryan.  I have to wake up so much earlier than I did last year year.  I am thankful for this house that is worth the value of our mortgage, but some days, I just wonder, was it worth it?  I can't say we came here for the money, but I can say we came here for the security.  We were in a precarious financial situation where our home value had dropped to less than 1/3 of the purchase price, and we could not sell it.  If we had been forced to sell the house on our own, we could not have done it without foreclosure.  We are also in a situation where Ryan is NOT ALLOWED to leave the company due to the relocation money we received, so his job is very safe.  Also, if we had to sell our home today, we could easily pay off the mortgage with the sale price.  I know that I am very blessed with my family, my health, and this home, but it is just so hard with Ryan's hours!  He is gone anywhere from 13-14 hours, every weekday.  It gets really old.  i miss him.  I miss going to Maybury as a family after he would get off work.  I miss mountain biking.  I miss having friends training for the same events that I am and willing to push me.  I don't really have that now.  I feel like I have to do it all on my own.  I like to think of myself as a strong, motivated person, but I am just sort of at my limit.  I really hope we are nearing the end of this cycle in Ryan's work where things will go back to normal.  They should, it is just a matter of time.    I have a couple of friends I can train with, but their schedules don't mesh well with mine.  I had 2 rides lined up with friends this week, and they both fell through.  Thankfully, I can do the one by myself, and the other, as long as my babysitter is still on (who isn't answering my calls!!!), I can do the other by myself.  I need to have some athletes around here give me a bit more support, or I doubt I will be wearing the new club's kit for anything other than workouts.  

Thanks for reading.  I needed to get that out there.

1 comment:

Laura Boll said...

So sorry to hear that you're going through this. 13 hours a day is huge... I would be going crazy, too! I only have a 2yo, and my husband's gone 9 hours a day and that is plenty. More than enough most days! I hope you can find some help- maybe build in a babysitter one afternoon a week to get out by yourself? Or find other moms who can swap childcare duties while the kids play? Any chance his hours will improve in time? Hang in there!